Techno Rigor Mortis

Meet Jane.

Jane loves Techno music.

Jane listens to Techno music 24/7 and now due to her constant dance moves is now unable to move any part of her body.

So please donate generously to the CalmDownTechnoMoves charity and remember that Techno music should be enjoyed in moderation.

Jane is now crippled with Rigor Mortis for life/ Don’t be Jane

Danny Dyer 5 Point Plot Breakdown

If you want to be in the Danny Dyer film making business, you have to make films that follow the rules.

These are the rules and don’t stray from them otherwise you will end up with a good movie. Danny doesn’t like good movies. If you don’t believe me, watch (or don’t) the one where he plays an amnesiac taxi driver with two birds on the go. It truly lives up to his surname.

U2 to Perform in War-Torn Syria

After the recent horrors in Paris, the powerhouse band U2 have decided to bring their own brand of World Unity by touring the war-torn cities of Syria in an exclusive 25 date tour from Aleppo to Zabadani.

After the spilling of much blood, the saintly quartet believe they alone can bring the region back together again and stop cross border conflict. In preparation for the event, all music devices in The Middle East have already been preloaded with Arabic versions of their album Songs of Innocence (again without any consultation).

To help with the logistical issues of what is called “U2 Save The World Tour” they have already enlisted professional curmudgeon and less professional Irishman Bob Geldoff to organise this complex live immersive experience. Geldof himself has experience in massaging a lot of egos for Live Aid (Elton John/ flowers, anyone?) and well suited to work in the Middle East.

During a press conference in the Penthouse Suite of Trump Tower  New York, Bono stated that they had the power of God on their side and there were definitely challenges such as the 21 trucks that make for the set design that are currently parked in Turkey awaiting permission to move and the soundcheck alone can be rather elaborate considering the constant shelling. The Edge further added that this is nothing compared to playing in Detroit.

The locals that were interviewed are welcoming but have openly questioned whether the £190 ticket price is justifiable in a region of futile instability but the group reassure there will be “cost effective cheap seats”. More controversial is that Kanye West has already bought up 120 tickets for the opening night, all on the front row for his entourage.

People are questioning whether Bono’s God like status has gone to his head and whether such an act will make any difference to world peace but the varied social networks have been fairly dismissive, leaving withering comments which the band are typically oblivious to. To keep the event broad in scope, the opening act is Sinead O Connor debuting her new album Vatican to Vatican’t. She replaces the original act Coldplay who have refused to play due to their conservative image. This action has been condemned by the UN security council with Ban Ki-moon’s statement stating that Chris Martin is an image conscious pussy.

The tour is set to start in three months and already touted as “something different that will make no difference to anybody’s lives”. Tickets available from Ticketmaster

 

Doll Therapy Trailer

Teaser trailer for my series on emotionally screwed up dolls looking to therapy for their emotional scarred state of mind

Episode 1 features Janice Blackbeard and her sorrowful tale of emotional misfortune

Daily Mail Fail

When an advert collides with the main headline and a PR disaster becomes apparent. This is one of those moments as seen on The Daily Mail front page.

I am sure Citroen’s PR people will be bemused.

Princess Homicide Squad

See the new alternative to the bland detective shows gracelessly adorning our television screens.

Zeroheadroom presents Homicide Princess Dolls. A new kind of cop show harking back to Cagney and Lacey featuring well to do sub royalty solving crimes while looking fabulous.

Risk Taking in British Television

It’s interesting to read an article by BBC Controller Kim Shillinglaw looking for something “disruptive” and “anarchic” along the lines of SNL, The Tonight Show etc. The type of programming to go against the grain of the current crop of panel shows and other esoteric light entertainment containing mainly middle class presenters. Something “edgy” and “different” to break the current stale bland schedules. Clearly these guys want something to bring back they youth and make terrestrial television Kool again. Anyone old enough can shout out Def 2

From my experience of keeping my ear to the ground I find the same thing being echoed down the halls of commissioners’ offices. They ask for something different but get the same-old-same-old as it is a safe bet. Sometimes they take the same-old-same-old and try to sell it as a completely different beast. That’s why the same panel shows are commissioned with minor tweaks to the style but sold as bold new formats.

They all seem to have HBO / Lorne Michaels envy and want to find TheNextBigCulturalThing to add to the WaterCoolerTalkingPoint. The problem I see is that the established production companies have a stranglehold on the commissions so the pool for innovation is smaller. If you want something disruptive you need to find the right people who are not corporatized by the standards of television and actually bring in something fresh that reflects society now.

Also do these people know what the term “disruptive” actually means? What they want doesn’t seem like it will disrupt the media ecosystem, especially when it is to be shown at 10pm on BBC 2. Netflix disrupted the business model of waiting each week for the next episode by releasing all 13 parts of House of Cards in one go. That is the term used correctly here. I will let is slide as people love buzzwords like Zeitgeist.

Personally and again this is due to my peculiar taste but the last fresh original anarchic programmes were Nathan Barley and Tramadol Nights. I believe the latter was the last time something so funny and controversial was screened across the airwaves. Granted you can shout out that Toast of London is very funny but I wouldn’t say it’s groundbreaking, just a very funny series.

Commissioners want to discover the next Monty Python and bask in the glory of leaving a televisual legacy and if these people really want to think out of the box they need to talent spot people outside of the safe pool of comics and writers and start developing them. And I don’t mean box ticking. Real risk taking like Lorne does with assembling the writers.

Yes I know the Diversity debate rolls on and people are probably sick to death of hearing about it but compare SNL which has a diverse cast compared to British television. One only has to look at the oft mentioned british exodus to America, look at Armando Ianucci’s, success with his show. The HBO model was to get the talent and leave them alone and have some sort of faith. It worked for them.

As legend has it Only Fools and Horses only starting becoming a ratings grabber after series 3 but nowadays they feel they need to hit the ground running.

Essentially,widen the talent pool and you will be surprised what you will uncover. Be inclusive, not exclusive