The King Kong game show where you attempt to be the ultimate Bez. The main aim is to survive two weeks of touring while taking a large amount of class A drugs.
The contestants will spend 14 days playing at various live venues dancing, shaking the maracas in the evenings and spend the rest of the time scouring the crappiest drug dens and scoring as many illicit drugs as one can ingest.
The winner will be the one who has scored the most drugs, played in the most mediocre way and survived the ordeal.
The judges will be Bez himself, teamed by the speccy pensioner from The Apprentice and Mark E. Smith from The Fall. All seasoned veterans of chemical ingesting and all night partying.
The name of the game is to have fun and stay alive, all interspersed with CGI recreation and pending Channel 4 lawyers decision on hard drugs shown in a post watershed slot.
Dear Mr Corbyn
I write this letter with hands that are crippled with rage.
I do this so you don’t get deflated when the press and institutions stab you not so much in the back but in the front so they can see the fear in your eyes.
You are destined to fail.
There, I said it
As a fellow Labour-ite, I say this as a cautionary tale of how the system works. One which I discovered the hard way as I traipsed around the country selling my ideals.
Now that the unmuzzled Conservative Party have been voted in for a largely uninspiring 2015, they have pushed a plan to combat encryption techniques like Whatsapp, that bad bad thing that allows people to hold secrets.
Secrets that may get you into trouble.
But the recently unveiled and totally revised proposal is to have all passwords to have the password as “Password123” (case sensitive). This process will allow shady spy busters to help stifle the rise in private messaging between whatever wacky names bad guys are in the press this week and a simpler solution to breaking into people’s accounts illegally. This process is also cheaper than using super computers.
The timing couldn’t be better as the general lack of interest in the Edward Snowdon revelations means they can bring electronic communication into an Open Source environment, in fact you probably didn’t even know this was happening.
During a recent parliamentarian speech ahead of the official unveiling, David Cameron was questioned on whether ministers’ email addresses would fall in line with the general public but the reply was a unanimous no, stating clearly that any form of government communication is held in the highest of national security. This legislation, which is being pushed through with no public consultation, will help stem the tide of extremism apparently. Jeremy Hunt waded into the non-furore saying that this would increase the amount of time people talked to each other which was good for social integration but denied that he himself actually talked to people.
The key players in electronic communication, Google and Microsoft, were approached for a comment but declined to do so with a representative stating that this was a great idea and that their data centres would be open to anyone with a key. As this was done by the British team, an element of sarcasm may have been in play as it was signed off with a winky ironic face.
Obviously the only newspaper to carry this as a leader was The Guardian but the outrage was rather muted and the only activism was the 5000 comments left under the article. It’s not that much of an issue as 80% of the population use some variation of passwords set as Password123. The Conservatives are merely bringing consistency across the board. Upon being asked about foreign hackers accessing these intercepts the Conservatives did admit that this idea wasn’t fully thought through but combatting extremists was high priority. If you need to hide anything on an email then you probably shouldn’t be doing it anyway.
Nowadays nobody takes password encryption seriously, right?
Here’s the thing. Nowadays, look at the standard television channels and you will see a lot of programmes where you will literally think “who the hell is going to watch this trash?” There is currently a Laurence Llewelyn Bowels obs doc (as of this writing) going to China to release a range of lingerie! Secret life of cats! The very public life of dogs!
How are these shows commissioned still in this day and age and still be woefully out of touch with modernity and why are the commissioners out of touch? Or are they, because they do get the ratings.
My guess would be the background of the commissioners and producers where they think these ideas will please the masses. I constantly ask industry foot soldiers the state of television and they say it’s going downhill and lowbrow but then again I don’t have that many cat loving housewife friends who make up the demographic. I simply don’t travel in those circles.
Brands like Vice are making huge inroads with documentaries and Netflix the same in terms of bold strokes with drama. Also a worthy mention is the Maverick philosophy of HBO where they make programming that people not only watch but talk about afterwards. When was the last time you said ” oh goody! A Lawrence Bowel-Movement programme with a twist”… I would presume never unless you are over 65 and act suspiciously spinsterish.
The thing about programmes such as this is that those in power still want attain the level of mastery on their choices but as the commissioners are in power, they ask for what they think the audience wants, not what they actually want.
Water cooler moments are few and far between and the last time I had one of those for a television programme was The Office and after that Nathan Barley. Nowadays the posts left on my Facebook page rarely consist of MOR television programming.
Another irk is the obs docs nonsense which admittedly my wife watches like 24 hours in A&E which she finds entertaining due to the “human stories”. But a new fly-on-the-wall programme set on night busses? basically just transmitted HD cctv footage with audio and edited for “the best bits”… I blame BigBrother for giving birth to such conceit.
The biggest surprise for me was Gogglebox, hated the premise but accidentally caught a programme and actually found it funny… It’s rather popular too. Unfortunately this success has made the industry think they have their finger on the zeitgeist. They don’t and as the ages pass, their grip will loosen further until their next shows have to find kickstarter for funding.
British television needs to be bold, not saccharine.
Fuck you that’s my name. Read between the lines and it’s there.
I popped into a trendy cafe that sells niche corn flakes from brands that I have never heard of. This is the kind of sugar rich E laden monstrosity that I need to course through my veins. In this uber cool shit hole you are able to sit next to dead people watching them mindlessly shit-down-their-gullets with this finely malnutritious meal.
What’s the name of the place? I am not going to tell you because that would be me making you cooler than you are and we wouldn’t that.
After scoffing this trendy poverty cuisine my stomach feels like it has been fingered by special branch and my stools will no doubt be less pipe laden but more like a broken M&M machine plopping out multi coloured branded pebbles.
Late afternoon breakfast done I must find the latest, greatest place nobody has heard of. Inconveniently I went into a crack den thinking it was a Nuveau Riche coffee shop. It was only when I realised that an overdose victim was uncontrollably shining my shoes with his jagged head and I vacated the premises quick sharpish.
I am the self proclaimed mega twat with trousers short enough that people can see my socks. It’s enough to arouse the midget literati.
Those who pretend to read books with all encapsulating titles that Tolstoy would describe as top-10-books-to-read-while-taking-a-shit are dead to me. Such shallow behaviour. Obviously this town used to be cool but nowadays the cool places are hidden in spaces that even Anne Frank would turn her nose up at.
My next adventure awaits.