Tag: NME

U2 to Perform in War-Torn Syria

After the recent horrors in Paris, the powerhouse band U2 have decided to bring their own brand of World Unity by touring the war-torn cities of Syria in an exclusive 25 date tour from Aleppo to Zabadani.

After the spilling of much blood, the saintly quartet believe they alone can bring the region back together again and stop cross border conflict. In preparation for the event, all music devices in The Middle East have already been preloaded with Arabic versions of their album Songs of Innocence (again without any consultation).

To help with the logistical issues of what is called “U2 Save The World Tour” they have already enlisted professional curmudgeon and less professional Irishman Bob Geldoff to organise this complex live immersive experience. Geldof himself has experience in massaging a lot of egos for Live Aid (Elton John/ flowers, anyone?) and well suited to work in the Middle East.

During a press conference in the Penthouse Suite of Trump Tower  New York, Bono stated that they had the power of God on their side and there were definitely challenges such as the 21 trucks that make for the set design that are currently parked in Turkey awaiting permission to move and the soundcheck alone can be rather elaborate considering the constant shelling. The Edge further added that this is nothing compared to playing in Detroit.

The locals that were interviewed are welcoming but have openly questioned whether the £190 ticket price is justifiable in a region of futile instability but the group reassure there will be “cost effective cheap seats”. More controversial is that Kanye West has already bought up 120 tickets for the opening night, all on the front row for his entourage.

People are questioning whether Bono’s God like status has gone to his head and whether such an act will make any difference to world peace but the varied social networks have been fairly dismissive, leaving withering comments which the band are typically oblivious to. To keep the event broad in scope, the opening act is Sinead O Connor debuting her new album Vatican to Vatican’t. She replaces the original act Coldplay who have refused to play due to their conservative image. This action has been condemned by the UN security council with Ban Ki-moon’s statement stating that Chris Martin is an image conscious pussy.

The tour is set to start in three months and already touted as “something different that will make no difference to anybody’s lives”. Tickets available from Ticketmaster


Dear Morrissey, you need to update your music

Dear Moz

Having listened to your last few songs (or was it albums? Time expands when listening to your output) I have a distinct feeling that your lyrics are still stuck in 1985, a time when Thatcher was bad and Savile was good…. strange how things pan out eh?

What I think you should do to become relevant to a newer generation is to add a few modernisms that the disaffected youth have…

I mean the people in their 40’s who are still disillusioned with Thatcherism (I know, let it go, right?) are fully catered for but the kids nowadays bitch about Playstation (which is a games console) and other accoutrements of a modern connected world. You may not know these novelty items per se  but i can be the gatekeeper to these depressed fans because depression sells! Face it that’s what your USP is.

Might I start with this combo of lyrics to as a warm up and then we can go from there.

-Playstation 4/ a digital prayer for the poor.

-The Kindle/ not made of wood and not very good/ digital words scribbled across a grey canvas screen.

-Amazon/ the DotCom that is a consumerist DotCon.

If you don’t want to stretch into such uncharted Morrissey-esque territory (don’t want to hurt the brand, right?) you can still sing about the NHS and the poor because let’s face it, they will never go out of fashion… like flares and sitcoms featuring white teeth twenty somethings.

As an avid follower wearing National Health glasses, free flowing flowers and being picked on (this was only last week I may add) I felt I had to reach out and bring you back from the era of Ted Heath and other similarly suited fat tories.

Down with the establishment and up with the new record deal.