Tag: Hanif Kureishi
Fuck you that’s my name. Read between the lines and it’s there.
I popped into a trendy cafe that sells niche corn flakes from brands that I have never heard of. This is the kind of sugar rich E laden monstrosity that I need to course through my veins. In this uber cool shit hole you are able to sit next to dead people watching them mindlessly shit-down-their-gullets with this finely malnutritious meal.
What’s the name of the place? I am not going to tell you because that would be me making you cooler than you are and we wouldn’t that.
After scoffing this trendy poverty cuisine my stomach feels like it has been fingered by special branch and my stools will no doubt be less pipe laden but more like a broken M&M machine plopping out multi coloured branded pebbles.
Late afternoon breakfast done I must find the latest, greatest place nobody has heard of. Inconveniently I went into a crack den thinking it was a Nuveau Riche coffee shop. It was only when I realised that an overdose victim was uncontrollably shining my shoes with his jagged head and I vacated the premises quick sharpish.
I am the self proclaimed mega twat with trousers short enough that people can see my socks. It’s enough to arouse the midget literati.
Those who pretend to read books with all encapsulating titles that Tolstoy would describe as top-10-books-to-read-while-taking-a-shit are dead to me. Such shallow behaviour. Obviously this town used to be cool but nowadays the cool places are hidden in spaces that even Anne Frank would turn her nose up at.
My next adventure awaits.
A self reflective Clarkson opinion piece you won’t read in his Sun column :
That’s the thing about public school educated people like me who end up on television. Because of our superior nihilistic education, this gives us an elitist world view on what we call the downtrodden. If you drive anything less than a hot car/ woman (delete as appropriate) you are dead to me.
We tend to sneer at the lower classes, and poke fun at the foreigners because we deludedly think that our audience will find such things funny. Well, the less intelligent do. The reality is that our cars drive the show. What you are actually watching are just a set of struck-it-lucky wide boys who use a politer form of racism coated in humour for our followers. We sit on top of this perch pissing on everyone below while maintaining a world view marred by the self imposed nihilism, all harking back to our time at those wrenched-from-our-parents boarding schools. Did i mention that we make a LOT of money for the corporation in merchandising sales?
This is the shining example of why, even though the viewing figures are large they are mostly a greying bunch thereby leaving the younger crowd to move online. We never understood all that anyway as we are the old guard free from such changes in the media landscape. All we did was go HD because you demanded it.
Maybe that punch up with my working class producer was a good thing.
Right, off to the pub.
We all know that soaps such as Eastenders have comfortable stereotypes removed from all of reality. A situation created by the White Folks in Power who think will make it easier for the audience to switch off and get into the drama so why not go the whole hog and make it the selling point? Voila! Here’s one I made that the corporation can use with pride.
Everyone needs a super hero and there is none better that Zaftul. Part time butcher and full time crime fighter.
Gifted with skills in cutting meat and having absolutely no sense of humour, he is your man to help wreak revenge with his berserker rage!
Currently pitching this idea which is technically a hard sell. The best way to sell this is “a Middle Eastern version of Bergerac”
The sequel to the not-exactly-acclaimed short documentary about the Lebanese crime fighter working for the Metropolitan Police.
In this follow up we delve further into the past of everybody’s favourite Dick as he tries to make sense of his ever evolving lifestyle.
Green Glasses and dodgy criminals will never be the same again.
To see the original short, click here
I am currently working on an article about going back to the Punjab with my family after a break of 10 years. The concept was my observations on how things have changed in the style of gonzo journalism. I had the opportunity to live off the beaten track and want to share these thoughts with whoever would want to read a journey that involved 300 miles of bad road.
i have teaser posters available on pinterest