Ernest Borgnine: The Play
Now that is a play I want to see! David Suchet breaks Theatre convention to be Ernest Borgnine in drag! Coming soon to The National.
Tag: quentin tarantino
Worst Cartoon Ever Made
I watch shit films all the time and this gives me a high tolerance of crap cinema. I mean there is always something in a poorly made film to keep the interest but watching Colour City makes me feel like this is the worst film ever with absolutely no redeeming values contained within. This wasn’t even a gift from me to me as I went with my kids to watch it in the cinema.
Plot: a bunch of crayons come alive and go to a parallel dimension where crayons live a normal life…such a terrible premise and should have been aborted. Alas due to a possible creative drought and the producers having no taste, it was pushed through to production.
My kids enjoyed it but then again they will probably stare at Warhol’s Campbell Soup and just think of dinner and not appreciate art as it stands in the modern world.
But I digress
This film had atrociously poor animation with a crew that I suspect was suffering from Parkinson’s and songs that are truly,truly terrible and unmemorable. Elton John this is NOT! A poor imitation of some television animation from the 60’s, you would think things would have progressed after Bod and Morph but alas not.
Crayon Bollocks (as i have nicknamed it) is truly the Lidl of cinema and I think next time will purely stick to Pixar animation or some branded piece of entertainment.
1 star and a disappointed morning.
Dukes Of Hounslow Sitcom Pitch
Here is the latest idea I am touting around. Simply put it is like Dukes of Hazard but set in the lovely town of Hounslow. Obviously there are no other similarities to that iconic show so i will not have to pay royalties. There is no Rosco P Coltrane, Sexy Denim pants or a car with a stupid name.
There is however petrol headed car action and fast paced dialogue in an urban neighbourhood featuring two Indian lead characters. Think of it as Eastenders twinned with Top Gear and featuring some Asian kids.
Dick Fatoush sleep video sponsored by Johnny Depp
Proudly sponsored by Johnny Depp, A strangely hypnotic video from Dick Fatoush designed to help put your kids slowly to sleep. Part of the range of self help digital media designed to improve your life in general.
These wordless instructional videos can make you a champion of society no matter what language you speak and remember, Mondays will never be the same after watching this on a constant loop for 20 hours.
Jonathan Glazer/ Scarlett Johansson mentalism
In the current climate where it’s hard to get financing for cult oddities i assume this is how Jonathan Glazer managed to get the green light on his film Under the Skin starring Scarlett Johansson which is essentially a remake of The Man who Fell to Earth starring David Bowie
Karate Cops cult movie mentalism
In a bizarre guilt ridden confession I have been watching insufferable crap like The Wolverine and want to poke my eyes out for such sinful behavior.
To get myself back on track i have viewed crap-that-knows-is’s-crap like this curiously odd travesty of the cop genre. This flick has it all, low budget, shot on video, bad acting, sub par martial arts, tacky action setpieces, a plot held together by a thin piece of video-string and my personal favourite, a black cop who is literally doing a rip off of Eddie Murphy a la Beverly Hills Cop. These mentalists actually try to out macho each other in a kind of poor man’s Crocket and Tubbs.
This opening will give you a taster of what to expect and yes, it’s hardly going to win awards but will be far more entertaining than the densely plotless megabudget shite that is lining the multiplexes.
enjoy
Write Like Tarantino
So, one of the many chintzy spam-lite emails I get tells me that with a simple modest payment I can write in the same style as Tarantino, well for the first 15 pages at least.
I can understand why they are selling this concept as his films are unique but why would you want to be a writer turned Tarantino-lite hack?
Why emulate his work when every teacher tells you to find your own voice? Certainly watch his films and read the screenplays (as I have done) but only to see how he has structured his film for himself. It’s hardly the bench mark of structure much like Robert Towne’s work due to their unique styles.
It’s true that people want to read scripts that they can relate to as a hit movie but they also crave originality and scams such as this drive you away from getting your unique voice out there. Look at even the populist genre movies and you can see the writer’s personality is embedded in it. Yes, even Lethal Weapon!
Quentin has had a long B-Movie cinematic education which has developed his writing and for you to do the same thing will make a sub par rip-off script which people will say “it’s like Pulp Fiction/ Reservoir Dogs but a little bit shitter and it’s quite cheeky for someone to sell you a product that is pushing you away from originality and going towards conformity.
We are all influenced by great writers but don’t let it drown out what you want to write. Read a few film books, learn structure and narrative and go ahead and write. It really is that simple.
The Tarantino Thought Process and Context
The title sounds like a dry thesis but it’s something that bothered me to actually think about further.
When I originally watched Kill Bill and got to the animated sequence I thought it was an interesting style for the film and lent a surreal bent to the revenge flick but when I watched Guy Ritchie’s film,I plainly saw it as a stylistic rip off badly done which is fair enough with lesser talents but then I got thinking about the context.
In Tarantino’s film, animation was used to show the sub plot, which couldn’t be filmed as live action due to the underage scenes and would have been otherwise tasteless and plainly unfilmable. Making it in the style of a Manga cartoon bypassed the controversial subject matter to keep the story flowing without it becoming a controversial distraction.
Now Guy Ritchie missed this point and simply saw it as a stylistic choice and in my mind it made for a very shallow sequence in a very shallow film running on empty. There was no reason for Mrs Madonna to blatantly steal the idea apart from the fact that it was ’kool’ like the opening of Steve McQueen’s Bullitt.
A good director should have thought out each sequence to help push the story forward and have reason to film it a certain way so next time you watch a film by a good director, ask yourself why he did it that way….
A good director always has an reason to use a particular style and Tarantino, Polanski et al would be proud of you.
Enzo G Castellari retro mentalism
A rip off of Mad Max but camped up to the max, this Enzo G Castellari film is a force to be reckoned not because of the bonkers plot, garish costumes or the post apolcalyptic setting that simply looks like a desert but the sheer unadulterated fun that this flick brings to having mentalist actors overracting in a scenario that must have been written by a 10 year old child. This entertaining slab of celluloid action is miles better than 20 Michael Bay films at a fraction of a budget. It may be exploitative and geared for the grindhouse circuit but with a few beers this is brilliant fun. Check out Fred Williamson dressed as one of the Bee Gees (how they persuaded him to wear such camp schmata is beyond me) who’s sole weapon is a bow and arrow which looks like a direct rip off of Marvel’s Hawkeye (check your lawyers Enzo).
