Tag: lewis schaffer

Junkie Dolls: Another Bloody Poster

Another poster of the long-ish gestating puppet project Junkie Dolls. Simply put what if the cast of Friends are middle class drug addicts? That sitcom element would have taken a darker turn and this is what the show is all about. Think Joey scoring crack in Central Park under a chintzy laugh track.

Trailer coming soon

Karate Cops cult movie mentalism

In a bizarre guilt ridden confession I have been watching insufferable crap like The Wolverine and want to poke my eyes out for such sinful behavior.

To get myself back on track i have viewed crap-that-knows-is’s-crap like this curiously odd travesty of the cop genre.  This flick has it all, low budget, shot on video, bad acting, sub par martial arts, tacky action setpieces, a plot held together by a thin piece of video-string and my personal favourite, a black cop who is literally doing a rip off of Eddie Murphy a la Beverly Hills Cop. These mentalists actually try to out macho each other in a kind of poor man’s Crocket and Tubbs.

This opening will give you a taster of what to expect and yes, it’s hardly going to win awards but will be far more entertaining than the densely plotless megabudget shite that is lining the multiplexes.


Film pitch: Writing from an armchair


Read the above synopsis! It’s from an already released movie (albeit straight to DVD). Dull right?

Now, i am trying to write an elevator pitch to sell my film idea and everywhere i read it says that this my be as airtight as an astronaut’s bumhole. That i understand as i have to sell it to people with a 5 second attention span which leads me back to this curious piece of salesmanship.

If this was presented as a film pitch i am sure the writer would get a punch in the face from the Studio Head unless the pitcher of this was David Mamet then you know it’s backed up with talent. Peter Kaye (equally talented) is doing that with Car Share about (wait for it!) two people who car pool to work.

Being famous is no reason to be complacent… oui?

Star Wars: Another New Hope

Memo to JJ Abrams

Dear Mr Abrams

Glad you are taking the reigns of the new Star Wars Trilogy and not Michael “cinematic epilepsy” Bay but a few things to learn from the last three travesties:

 1- No Jar Jar Binks. It took George Lucas until Empire to bring a positive black role model and then we went backwards with this ethically wrong character. So no tacky wacky shit ok?

2- This is a deal breaker when it comes to parting with my cinema money. No CGI sets, please build real sets that actors can walk around in. It was a nice try by Lucas but let’s face it, it was shit. The actors couldn’t act properly and the film was flat. How’s that for Dolly Parton-esque lyrics! Look at Peter Jackson, he built sets that people can touch and you can too and as you are shooting in the UK you have a thousand unemployed carpenters begging to work. Remember, George Lucas sold the farm to Disney so you don’t really have to listen to him anymore about this green screen crap. By all means kiss the ring but he starts talking digital just mention Tron’s box office.

3- Return the fun back like the first three films, the 70’s chic and rebellious and witty attitude. Also try to include the incest three way love angle as it was rather funny.

4- As much as Simon Pegg is brilliant try to vary your ensemble cast by using Johnny Vegas as an alcoholic Wookie… much hilarity will ensue.

 There are more but this is a start….

Remember, I saw the original series as a kid and it blew me away, I saw the next three as an adult and it wasn’t the same. Think about my kids, they will be 4 when they see your film and I want them to have the same exhilarating experience I had watching Star Wars. You don’t owe it to the very dead Walt Disney legacy but to the fans who like the simple things, great story, great action and a happy ending. The first three tapped into the inner child in all of us.  The second three did not did not live up to the hype.

 I know you will do a great job as you rebooted the Star Trek franchise to make me forget Star Trek 5. I actually paid money to see that in the cinema!

Finally I actually live a 28 minute drive from Pinewood so I can pop down for a proper chat if you want. All I need are Samosas.

Matt Lucas and the accepted face of racism


So, with the lack of good parts for Black and Asian talent (for the most part) in recent years, mainstream media is resorting to Matt Lucas and David Walliams blacking up for comedic effect.

The fact that nobody talks about this with much shock (again, for the most part) but you mention The Black and White Minstrel Show and it’s the opposite effect.

Well, congratulations on the BBC to pretty much saying “well, it’s not racist if it’s funny”… much the same way as the other classic shows, Mind Your Language, Ain’t Half Hot Mum and the creme de la creme Love Thy Neighbour.

Congratulations for these mighty titans of comedy taking comedy back to the 70’s.